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The Resistance Bulletin – Special Report

Discussion & Analysis Half-Life

IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED THIS ITEM FROM A PERSON YOU KNOW, PUT THIS DOWN IMMEDIATELY AND CONTINUE WALKING AWAY.

Hello and welcome to the Resistance Bulletin. I’m your same old news editor and part-time refugee, Vic, reporting from the inside of an abandoned coastal house just outside of City 17, in mortal fear of a Combine patrol which has stopped nearby.

Excuse if my writing is poor, but I have been forced to drink from the polluted seawater nearby, and some discarded cans of Private Reserve. I can feel my brain cells slowly dying.

The Resistance Bulletin – Special Report

In city related news, The City 17 Times appears to have finally lost its integrity, as a transmission our mole inside their offices reports that Dr. Breen himself complained about the paper’s writing, and insisted that it be less… human. He also asked about the lack of any amusing articles.

Shortly after, a squad of Overwatch Soldiers, assisted by several Elites took over the City 17 Times office. As the wave of shock troopers swept through the two rooms of their “extensive” office, reporters could be seen jumping through windows. Whether they were thrown, or jumped due to fear of a horrible death caused by Dark Energy Orb disintegration, or being taken to a reeducation Depot, their attempts to escape were not futile, as all those who jumped broke both legs, some even cracking their head or spine. They were taken to Combine recycling centers outside the city.

Any survivors were quickly taken by Razor Train to a coastal Razor Train station just near the Nova Prospekt Depot, returning to the offices several weeks later, where they began writing on the redesigned newspaper, which will now include only robotically-written headlines reporting on only what the Combine wants you to know. And some funny headlines.

In other news:

- In an attempt to get rid of any stray Earth animals wandering the cities or Outlands, the Combine has relocated Jamie Oliver H-45628 to City 17, where he will begin work on a redesigned food packet system. Citizens report that cats have been vanishing from the City 17 alleys, and that among the usual street raids, passing citizens can hear cat sounds and Civil Protection screams from the inside of Overwatch APC’s. Citizens report that these new food packets, designed to appease angry citizens, do taste good (and strangely familiar), but that furballs can be found inside the packaging.

- Overwatch has begun a series of apartment raids, just before autumn. Attack strategies suggest that these raids are not related to any kind of evidence that refugees or rebels may be hiding inside the apartment buildings, but are done to free up rooms in expectation for the second phase of yearly relocations, which will begin next month.

- Refugees report seeing more and more Razor Trains leaving city trainstations and heading for Nova Prospekt, this being related to the Combine’s “population balance strategy”, also related to the second phase of yearly relocation.

That’s all for today. I think that patrol is coming upstairs. I might have to fight my way out, but I never was much of a fighter myself.

Check the original City 17 Times article at one of our rebel mirrors, operated by Sergeant Marlowe.

http://www.planetphillip.com/posts/headlines-not-funny-enough/

7 Comments

  1. The amount of necrobumps we have now is TOO DAMN HIGH

  2. More articles like this please. :D

  3. You two should make a website and invite readers to write their own articles.

  4. This is just awesome. Keep on the good job, Brah

  5. Articles will be released either to run parallel with Phill- Field Marshal Marlowe’s articles, or will be standalone.

  6. More of this story please.

  7. Field Marshal Marlowe, if you don’t mind!

    Nice article, should be fun comparing our different viewpoints of the same event.

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