Ah, the Art Pass Contest. Another occassion for Valve to sit by and do nothing, and another chance for us to report on something that most people will probably forget about, since not all people can map or have the time to watch a mapping contest unfold. I know, it’s a shame.
Since then, Valve has… well:
…our level designers have gone back to their default state at the TF2 offices, which is to say, doing nothing, taking naps, eating lunch, and complaining. This has become a bit of a poison pill for the rest of the TF2 team, all of whom possess strong opinions about working (against it), naps (pro), lunches (very pro) and complaining (big fans).
As part of the fallout, this morning the writing team refused to do their work for the month, which was to write today’s blog post and name some hats.
Hire me! Hire me!
At first we weren’t terribly concerned…
…partly because most of the team wasn’t even aware the game had writing in it, but mostly because everybody here, unlike the writers, knows how to perform a skill AND write words. (Here’s a pro-tip for you youngsters: Build your career on a skill that isn’t something five-year-olds can do.)
I’m off to jump from that bridge I previously mentioned.
But then someone pointed out that, even though writing’s incredibly easy work, it’s still technically work. So we reached into our comprehensive bag of solutions, and pulled out our well-worn one-trick pony: Community Contest Time!
Great. My writing swansong will be reporting on a Community Contest.
Fans have been mailing us for some time now, asking for a contest that didn’t involve modeling or level design.
So now they get their wish. That’s right: you’ll be competing over who can describe hats the best. Introducing the first ever TF2 Hat Describing Contest. In it, you can compete with other fans to write fictional missives about the glory of your favorite TF2 hat, with the prize of getting your words right into TF2 itself. The text will show up in the item descriptions, so it should be short and fun. Check out the FAQ for the full breakdown.
Hmm, interesting. I’d join the contest, but then all of you would probably lose.
You probably thought that was it, except it ISN’T!
Wanting to preorder Worms, but other than the prospect of a few preorder items and playing with some friends, not much attracts you to the game? Not to worry, Valve is on the case.
The fine folks over at Team 17 are about to release Worms Reloaded this week. Being massive fans of their work, all the way back to the original Alien Breed, we thought it’d be fun to do something with them. So, we approached them and politely asked if we could include an iconic element of their game in TF2. The conversation was going swimmingly until they said that the best item to use would be the Holy Hand Grenade. We shuffled our feet and nervously explained that some soon-to-be-fired idiot had removed all of TF2’s grenades.
But luckily, we were saved by our own shoddy workmanship. While we removed grenades from the game during early development, we left two of them dangling on the front of the Soldier as a teasing reminder of what once was. So, to celebrate the release, we’re going to give a nifty Soldier visual update to anyone who buys Worms Reloaded before Thursday, September 2nd, allowing him to sport two Holy Hand Grenades and a new Soldier helmet.
Hmm. Screw that bridge, time to get me some items!
And the rest is some competitive news no one really cares about. Apparently 6 Valve employees will be participating in the Highlander Mix-Up Contest Thingy Thingy Wakawaka Destructocon. I have no idea how it works, and neither does anyone reading this article.
Thanks for reading, and get out your credit cards, so every single player can get a promotion item that will lose all its value when you realize most of the people wearing it don’t even like the game.
Oh yeah, and thanks for Dom for being the only person in the LG office who didn’t kill himself after they heard they have no talents other than writing, and helping me out with the feature image. Actually, Alex is an awesome designer. Maybe he’s just in the Caribbean, enjoying his new-found, talents-other-than-writing self. Actually, he doesn’t write much though, but the whole thing probably doesn’t work in reverse.
Wait! Valve? I can operate your YT channel! And write! And make coffee? And make sandvich? And operate a toaster? And bring the office breakfast? And be the elevator man? And do game testing? Valve? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!