It was a quiet autumn afternoon.
I looked at the office. It seemed almost vacant. More fires had broken out when Pinky wanted to see if mixing gasoline with frozen orange juice concentrate really does produce napalm. Turns out it does.
I walked to the front door, only to see that my key didn’t work. Presumably, the door had been replaced, possibly when BladeRunner and a stampede of angry fans had broken it down to see if we were all still alive.
All of a sudden, it burst open, and I ended up flat on my back. And then, I beheld an eerie sight.
It was Alex, except he was holding a lever-action shotgun.
I went “O hai Alex” and slowly began to get up. He looked like he had been through one of those mythical bad days, when all of a sudden, he fired straight down at my feet.
The shells dug deep into the ground, kicking up dirt and grass.
Immediately, I yelled “WHOA, THAT AIN’T NO-”, before I was rudely interrupted.
“You have forsaken us. Leave now, and never come back!”
“Oh, and, I’m still pissed off at the time you said you were leaving cause I censored your swearwords.”
Before I got to ask him why he had quoted Gollum, he then pushed the lever forward, and pulled it back. It was a terribly threatening gesture.
Then, the entire staff popped their heads out the windows, each one holding some silly civilian semi-automatic gun that couldn’t kill a rat if you shot right at him.
Pinky was laughing hysterically, Dom just sighed, and Waq facepalmed.
That didn’t scare me.
What did scare me was Jeff driving a hovercraft at full speed while BladeRunner, Scydow and the rest of our fans struggled to hold themselves onto it.
They couldn’t hold on because they were holding pitchforks and torches.
That didn’t scare me either.
Instead, it was my good friend Emil, who had decided to take a walk with his Molotov cocktail and appeared to have dropped it in my general direction.
Then, Alex fired again, and my legs sprung into action, triggering a mechanism of absolute fear. A dark signal. A dead echo. And all those other rejected FEAR 2 titles.
Since that day, 17 years have passed.
I took refuge in rural Norway, where I married a supermodel named Lisbeth.
Life was good, other than all the snow.
No, seriously, way too much snow.
Thankfully, Lisbeth knew the prime-minister, and soon we became best buds. That helped out. But there was too much snow. But life was good.
Until, one day, when I read a newspaper. The headline was:
LambdaGeneration Conglomerate Buys Out Yet Another Independent Gaming Blog
Then, I realized all this had to come to an end.
When I left, they had hired someone who apparently, was doing a far better job. Things had been going better and better for LG.
The number “zero” had become a “one”. And it had been growing since.
Now, it was time to take LambdaGeneration back to zero.
Cue abrupt ending to make room for News Roundup.
Vic Vic is the award-winning writer behind “The Intergalactic Phlegm”, “A Murder of News Writers”, “Vacation In Vacationtown” and “Saasii: How I Shot Two Of My Best Friends Dead Without Knowing I Did So”.
Alright. Time to start the news up.
Left 4 Dead News: Week 19 Recap
Ah, Gib Fest. How I love thee.
The 360 crowd wanted to be different, however, so they picked Chainsaw Massacre.
Other than that, not much happened last week. Or last last week. Gah.
Beyond Black Mesa At The Sidewalk Film Festival
Beyond Black Mesa is scheduled to show at the Carver Theatre, on Saturday, September 25th, 2010, at 9:15 PM, during the 12th Annual Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival, in Birmingham, Alabama.
Matthew Hall, producer, writer, actor and camera operator, tells us that the movie will be released online some time in the next six months, after they have finished the film festival circuit.
And I’ll die before then.
SPUF’s Message to Valve
Dududu, petition for communicaaaaatiooooon. Dudududu.
Surfrock, one of the few in the SPUF badlands who are in possession of the human organ that represents the center of the nervous system (We got that from Wikipedia, try to guess what it actually is), made this thread shortly after the whole “it’s a surprise, but it’s a Portal 2 surprise, you fools” fiasco in early June.
We’d like to give him a big pat on the back for such a great initiative, and give ourselves a pat on the back for giving him lots of signatures.
And my keyboard has a pillow in it.
Poker Night At The Inventory!
Yes, LambdaGeneration poker. I hate it, and vastly prefer “Killer, something bad translation blah blah, Surrender”, but I will play nonetheless.
Oh, the game?
Yes, Telltale is making a game that puts Team Fortress 2′s Heavy, Penny Arcade’s Tycho Brahe, Homestar Runner’s Strongbad, and Sam & Max’s Max all in one big poker game.
No further details, and nothing but a vague Fall 2010 release date.
GameSpot’s Greatest Game Villain of All Time Contest!
Last year it was game heroes, which we won. Then Empire showed us we were right, by picking the same result. Then we kicked some major ass in The Escapist’s Game Developer Something Something Contest.
And if we lose this, I’m going to kill all of you.
I am dead serious.
Dead f***ing serious.
HL2: Wars – Antlion Multiplayer
HL2: Wars, the ambitious Source mod bringing RTS gameplay to… well, Source, is doing some awesome things, including: antlions.
Yes, now you can play as the Xen species that is slowly turning the Earth into an inhospitable desert, among other new features. The team is targeting for a September release.
Not that that would be a bad thing, to be honest.
DESTROY THE HUMENS
Black Mesa Team Somehow Leaks Numerous Alpha Images To The Public In The Midst Of An Ordinary Preview
It looked like just any other preview on that vaporware mod we all love.
Except for the giant image gallery that featured unfinished, unapproved images from a build that wasn’t designed for public consumption.
Orcone was kicked from the team.
Valve Has Three Big Surprises Coming In The Next 12 Months
Portal 2: New Videos on Valve’s Channel
And Valve’s FINALLY added two of their GamesCom demos on their channel.
Portal 2 at PAX!
Coop’s in the spotlight at PAX, with the full Coop Trailer, and a bigger 10-minute gameplay demo.
Anyone else notice how much this stuff looks like Tron and Tron: Legacy? I’m almost tempted to start one of those fake Tron Legacy Daft Punk soundtracks and get mah groove on.
MineCraft Creator Flown To Valve For Undisclosed Purposes
We’re as clueless as you are, honestly.
Check Pinky’s comment for some further info.
Garry’s Mod: More CloudScript Video!
Mm, mm, mm.
Phillip’s Beta Testers Collective
A new initiative from Field Marshal Marlowe himself.
Interested in joining myself.
It appears to require more Vic.
The Cinematic Mod Goes Non-Public
Too much criticism IS bad for you.
And please don’t read that comment.
It’s fake, I swear it’s fake.
*holds in laughter*
Sven Coop 4.5 Released!
I thought it was… wait, wh-
South Korea May Ban Steam
Political news are good for you!
Off-Topic: Duke Nukem Forever!
In honor of DNF’s recent reemergence, we’ve decided to kickstart our series of offtopic articles with the king’s return.
Bonus Snippet: The G-Advisor
Yes, yes. I know, it was terribly late. I know we’re having problems, but hey, at least this delay allowed my Roundup to receive an injection of further greatness.
Bear with us, folks. We could be doing a lot worse, and we’re slowly recovering.
Thanks for reading, and stay with us!
Oh, and Joni finally won at Company of Heroes. His fire grenades kept the enemy at bay until the mortars and tanks showed up, and then it was over.
See ya next week!